August 4, 2010
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August 3, 2010
When I grow up, I want to be a mother of a heroin addict! NOT
I was reminded of a public service announcement on TV for drug & alcohol awareness. It depicted several small children, all darling and innocent. One says “When I grow up, I want to be fireman”, another says “when I grow up, I want to be a heroin addict.” What? Wait. Of Course! No one intentionally chooses addiction– it’s complicated!
What reminded me was listening to a public official tell an audience, “eat dinner every night with your children” in response to a question about what parents can do for prevention to drug addiction. Of Course! Eat dinner with your family every night – What? Wait. We did that. Do you really believe it’s that simple? I felt betrayed because I know I provided a healthy environment in my home during the formative years for my children, yet IT still happened.
Charles Rubin, in his book, Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You, notes that “whatever the situation, it is the child who says yes or no to drugs-it’s a choice. And that choice is, ultimately, answerable to the child and by no one else. So are the consequences”.
I hope we can all let go of the finger pointing, nature versus nurture controversy, and old notions about addiction and prevention. Today’s culture is not yesterdays. By letting go of old beliefs, partnering with others, and thinking “outside the bun” we really do have the ability to tip the current drug epidemic to a “choose not to use” majority. We must agree the solution may be both simple and complex.
August 2, 2010
Picking Up the Pieces
Sometimes I wonder if the setbacks are there to test the resolve of all of those involved. With my daughters last relapse, it was an opportunity for me to go through my part in all of this. I have grown so much over the past couple of years that it is different now. I do not feel devastated like I did in the beginning of the journey. Part of this is sheer exhaustion from the situation, but another part if the personal growth that comes to the loved ones who travel along side on this journey. Many people think that it’s all about the person with the addiction. And many times entire families become obsessed and focused on the one struggling with the addiction. But there is so much more to look at when you go through a time like this. I had to consider my progress…was I still enabling? Was I letting go of trying to control my daughter and let her live her life on her terms? Was I living my life and moving forward or was I stuck? Was I paying attention to the other important people in my life…my son, my husband? How was I coping and taking care of myself so that I could take care of my family? These are the questions that I needed to ask myself and take a critical look at. I’ve found that it isn’t all about the loved one with addiction – it’s about the whole family and I needed to take stock of how we were doing and how I could best support everyone as we moved forward.
August 1, 2010
Living in the moment
“It is not hard to live through a day if you can live through a moment. What creates despair is the imagination, which pretends that there is a future and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment of hand.”
Andre Debus
July 31, 2010
It’s Showtime! Collision Course – Teen Addiction Epidemic Documentary makes its debut
Last night I joined a dedicated swat team of moms as we collectively gave birth to the premiere showing of the trailer for our Collision Course-Teen Addiction Epidemic documentary. This was a powerful nine-minute trailer, a “sneak preview” of the full-blown documentary that we are hell-bent on completing, funds willing. We’ve got a commitment in hand from KVIE, which serves the 20-county area surrounding Sacramento, that they will air the documentary for years to come. It’s not just a local story: teen substance abuse kills kids and destroys families across the nation, so we’ve set our sights on a national audience, too.
We premiered the trailer to a packed house at the KVIE studio in Sacramento and followed the presentation with a panel discussion featuring interventionist Ricki Townsend, local law enforcement, a brave young man in recovery, and two participants from the documentary. Collision Course tells compelling tales about the ravages of substance abuse. Created by an Emmy-award winning duo, it will educate parents and teens alike about the perils that lurk in the medicine cabinet and liquor cabinet.
Now you can view the trailer on our Pathway to Prevention web page, and you can help spread the word about the perils of that first innocent drink or pill. We need your help to get the word out, to educate parents and teens, and to give teens a compelling reason why they should “Choose Not to Use.” Please share our web pages with your friends and ask them to help us complete the documentary. Every dollar, every donation moves us closer to stopping teen addiction before it starts.
July 30, 2010
Everywhere I go, there I am!
I was unaware of the person I had become. I remember my career growth accelerated as did the addiction in my family. I was traveling across the United States and occasionally to Europe. I liked “running away” from the problems addiction was creating at home. I could engulf myself in managing people, feeling in control, feeling IMPORTANT. Yet inside, my life was out of control and I kept hoping things would get better. I heard a speaker at a 12-Step meeting say “everywhere I go, there I am!” and another said “nothing like Arkansas in the rear view mirror!” I knew running away was not going to solve my problem but it sure seemed like the easiest remedy! Then, later I heard, “IF, in the course of a day, you run into an asshole, well, that’s life! There are assholes out there! IF, in the course of a day, you run into two assholes, well, that’s bad luck! But, if in the course of a day, you run into 3 assholes…well, you are the asshole!! Yep. Everywhere I go, there I am. Maybe I do play a part, I thought. It seemed like every day I was running into people who were getting in my way; on the freeway, in the grocery store, and at the post office. I accept that sometimes I am not able to see things as they really are; this is part of my condition from the family disease. If I’m aware of the situation, I can reflect before doing anything. I can ask myself, “is this something I have control over”? If I choose to engage, are the results going to out-weigh the consequences of it? Once I’ve got the awareness figured out, there is acceptance. I accept that “you do not agree with me” or “you may be right!” or “the situation has nothing to do with me” or “it’s none of my business”. Acceptance does not always mean approval. I can accept where my sons are today, but I don’t have to like it. When I use awareness and acceptance before any kind of action, I find I have more choices to the situation I’m in. It can be in the form of no action at all, stalling, saying no, setting boundaries, removing myself from the situation, turning to my Higher Power for guidance or calling someone to talk things over and reason things out. I have learned that if I am at dis-ease over something, I must look inward to my own character traits that are allowing me to feel this way. I have control over how I react to people, places and things – but I’m powerless over “THEM”. I used to be a reactionary person. This old behavior never once helped me. I would be angry, upset, resentful, impatient and full of wasted energy. Today, my relationship with my sons, my family and friends is based on respect and acceptance. My choice is to change my behavior versus running away from the problems in my life. I accept that not everyone chooses to change their ways and it’s not a reflection on me. I’m more compassionate about that, and it’s a whole lot cheaper than moving to another State!
July 29, 2010
Hope Once Again
How many times does one hope it’s the last time? I gathered my strength while knowing that my daughter had relapsed again. This time is was one of the bad relapses, not just alcohol but drugs, not that a relapse of alcohol is not bad, but going for the drug of choice was more severe in the sense of her addiction. It is so disheartening for me, but for her as well. There are so many phases of addiction, but there does come a time when it’s just not fun anymore. While I haven’t had a drug addiction, I cannot say what it is like from experience. But I do know that there is drug and alcohol use that is just one big ‘party’ to young people and then there is addiction. It is not pretty, it is not fun, it is not a phase. It is an obsession, it is a depression, it is full of loss and remorse.
I went to visit my daughter a week after she got out of detox from her relapse. It seemed whenever she relapsed I had this overwhelming urge to drive the 460 miles to where she was and hold her and love her. I always knew that whatever she did I would be there to hold her. I did not begrudge her or have anger towards her, I had love and compassion. I knew that she did not want this to be her life, she wanted to move forward, yet the addiction was like trying to run up a muddy hill – you keep sliding and slipping in place or backwards. I sat with my daughter and listened to her story, what she thought, what she did, how she came back and wanted to get better. My part in her journey now was to just love her and support her – she was the one who would make the changes to get off the muddy hill.
July 28, 2010
Taking the plunge
I read Courage to Change almost every morning as I start my day. This publication from the Al-Anon Family Group offers bits of wisdom in daily, doable doses. The title of the book says it all: recovering from my child’s addiction and freeing him to claim his own recovery hinged entirely on my courage to change—to do things differently, to be open to the belief that our lives could be healthier and happier if I could take a leap of faith.
When my kids were little, we sprinkled the closet with “Monster Spray” to keep the monsters away. Somewhere along the way, it lost its power, and the Addiction Monster hunkered down in our home. Evicting that monster required every ounce of courage I could muster.
What does courage look like? Courage is my unwillingness to tolerate the status quo of addiction, which can become comfortably predictable in its insanity. Courage is my wiliness to take a stand, and at the same time step into thin air, believing that a safe landing lay in store… or at least a landing that is softer than the one addiction offers. My courage was fortified by my conviction that a power greater than me is calling the shots and that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
What does change look like? It is the acknowlgement that things aren’t working and the rules of the game need to be revised. Change meant setting limits, communicating more constructively, respecting boundaries, saying “I will not tolerate that any longer,” acknowledging the insanity that had overtaken our lives and refusing to partake in it any longer.
There is familiarity in dysfunction, and changing entrenched habits is hard and scary. But what is more terrifying? The monster in the closet or the potential of recovery for you and your child? Make that leap of faith, muster your courage, and make the hard choices that banish addiction from your home.
July 27, 2010
I love you, so I won’t…
In desperation about my inability to help my young sons and further concerns about my own health; I contacted the rehab department of KAISER, our medical provider. I had actually visited this center 18 months before. Back then I was “interviewing them” to determine if their program was “good enough” for my son. He never went, but in a moment of clarity I remembered being there and I called them back and desperately asked “do you have anything for the parents of addicts?” In fact they did – a 6 month Co-dependent (CODA) program. I soon learned that their program had been nationally recognized. One of their requirements of enrollment was to attend a 12-step program twice a week. This gave credibility to the 12 step programs which I had heard about before and completely dismissed as something the “addicts” needed, not me. It took a while to realize my love could not save the ones I love. There were other hard lessons such as financial ruin as these young adults were capable of putting us at risk for lawsuits and such. I had to admit that what I’d been doing over and over, each time expecting different results, was insanity. I had to let go of my notion that I could control it! My love for them was making my life unmanageable. I was also learning about codependency. I remember hearing a reading, originally shared by an anonymous member who passed out copies. The printing does not reference an author. It touched me greatly and I kept a copy. Reading it made sense, I just wasn’t sure I could do it – it seemed counter intuitive to my mother instincts. Here it is reprinted:
This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves. – Friedrich Nietzsche
To protect our own integrity and peace of mind, we may have to redefine the word love. Sometimes no is the kindest word we can say to a family member or close friend who’s in serious trouble with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or any other ravaging obsession. Their suffering pushes all our “rescue” buttons. What we feel like doing is straightening out their messes and protecting them from farther harm. If we could, we would banish all their miseries with the touch of a magic wand! But we can’t. Often the only thing we can do to help our self-destructive loved ones is to stop helping completely. As hard as it is, as unnatural as it feels we may have to make some or all of the following declarations of love if we want to shorten our loved one’s path to the recovery turnoff.
1. I love you, so I won’t buy your groceries or pay your rent.
2. I love you, so I won’t loan you money or the uses of my credit.
3. I love you, so I won’t call in sick for you at work.
4. I love you, so I won’t cover your bounced check.
5. I love you, so I won’t let you move in with me.
6. I love you, so I won’t listen to your excuses or accept your lies.
7. I love you, so I won’t make your bail.
If we know down deep that these words need to be spoken we need to practice them until we can get them out. Many recovering people only got turned around because someone loved them enough to give them a cold shoulder instead of a helping hand. Whoever said that love was easy?
July 26, 2010
Storm is Brewing
For those of us who have lived with loved ones in addiction, you start to sense when things are beginning to go awry. It isn’t one thing that happens but a series of little things you begin to notice. Like fewer texts or phone calls, a sort of distance in the conversation. I knew my daughter was getting along okay at the rehab but I also knew that something was happening that I couldn’t put my finger on. Maybe it’s a Mom’s instinct or maybe I was just getting better at watching for certain signs. Things were really beginning to shift to a different place in the journey – of each of us on our own and with each other. So this was different from before, yet the same in some ways.
I got the call from the rehab that she had relapsed and they were looking for her. She had left and not shown up for one of her group meetings – this was not typical. Every moment is accounted for at the rehab, even though it was an ‘open’ rehab meaning that they moved from the house they stayed in to the meetings and other group sessions, they still had a lot of structure. My heart sank knowing that she was out and using. But it was different for me this time too – I had begun to detach from every event my daughter engaged in. I knew this was her journey and I was resolved to keep perspective about how it affected me.
